I was looking back over some of my posts, and it is interesting to re-read them and remember where I was at with each one as I wrote them. I remembered this post well in particular:
“Tagged, short update, skunks, etc” posted on April 21st, 2013
I’m going to copy and paste the part that I recall most:
Spiritually/emotionally I have been going through a lot lately. To be painfully honest, I have been and still am a total “mess”. There has been so much. Sometimes all I can do is nothing. Seriously, nothing. Except maybe cry, and relate to Tenth Avenue North’s song, “I’m Worn” which has meant a lot to me. Here, you can hear it too, if you haven’t already:
One thing that I am finding out, that is pretty much concrete, is that I am exactly where God wants me. He wants me at the very bottom, and He wants it so I can’t do anything. Because He says, “Apart from Me, you can do nothing” and I keep seeking Him, and He keeps having me where I’m at. I am learning that I really can’t do anything unless He wills it. And He’s comforted me with the fact that He is in my tears. That is Him.
I am waiting on Him to give the “go-ahead” for a couple of things, and so much of me wants to just push past that and do it myself, but I know that it is best to wait for Him to say, “It is time”. So I wait. And I pray. And I pray some more. And I cry a lot too. But that’s okay. Some days are good, and some days I can barely look up. But that’s okay, too. Today is kind of one of those “not so great” days. I just feel bleh. Tomorrow will be different though. And so I will keep waiting on my Lord and Saviour.
I recall that bit most, because I am not quite out of that same valley. I am in a different path, a different setting, but this year has been a most interesting one for me, spiritually. I am not as worn, not as tired, but I still can relate to those words I wrote that April day. There are many days when I break down and ask God many questions regarding this situation. But He is ever faithful, even on the days I am not so sure and I run from Him.
I am broken in a different way than I was then, but still broken. And I still know that where I am is exactly where God wants me right now. He is healing me in a much different way than what I am used to. And it takes longer, and maybe it’s more painful, but He knows it’s only what I can handle. Today I praise Him. Yesterday I didn’t understand Him. Tomorrow I don’t know what I will be like. Thankfully He’s patient with me all the time :)
This morning I woke up earlier than usual, and I was still plenty tired and so I just laid on the couch downstairs for a while and worked through what I was feeling on something with God. He gave me answers and helped me with where I am at right now. Every question and emotion I threw at Him, He answered and comforted me on. What a great God we have!
I will not admit I am over or out of this place. I don’t know how long it will last (it seems to be lasting forever XD).
And that’s where I’m at =)